I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
