god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
