I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
