Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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