You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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