I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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