I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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