needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
