Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
PANTIES FOUND
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