the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Randomize
