I wanna bring you to show and tell
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
