im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Randomize
