So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
