That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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