Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
