i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
BRING THE BAGELS
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
