he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
