he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
i've created a new STD.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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