You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize