you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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