I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
