I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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