Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
