I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
