there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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