He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
