were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
