The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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