But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
tell me about the fingering
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
