It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
