How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
