btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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