Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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