I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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