I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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