Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
