I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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