I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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