had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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