the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
