are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Randomize