I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
