you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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