Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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