I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
