i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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