I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
