the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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