Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize