Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
