Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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