Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
