Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
