with your own penis?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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