im having a threesome with these popsicles
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You ruined the universe
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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