i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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