miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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