Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
