Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
