The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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