Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
