Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
